| Vic |
| Friday, July 29 2005 @ 03:18 PM EDT |
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 It doesn't matter if it has been console, portable, or arcade. Superman video games bite. The current attempts on X-box and the N64 game that still has fans claiming its only redeemable value is as a shiv for an uneven table are just the most recent examples of plastic toilet paper that fans of the big blue boyscout have had to endure.
No the pain comic book loving gamers endure today started a long time ago, more than 25 years ago.
That is the ad from Atari's game catalog. Sounds great in theory, right? You get flying, x-ray vision, and the super ability to score with Lois Lane! If only...
First, lets talk about Superman's vaunted flying. Flying is great. It is great until you accidentally get smacked by "kryptonite satellite" and have to then WALK all over Metropolis kiddies. He doesn't walk near as fast as he flies. But certainly Vic the effects wear off, right? No. They never wear off. Superman is screwed until you luckilly walk into Lois Lane, reporter for the Daily Planet.
She wanders randomly around Metropolis. You might find her in a minute or you might find her in an hour and a half. Luckily the timer you see in the picture counts up, not down. You see you can't lose this game. You only play to win with a less sucky time. As if the programmers knew what a plastic poo stick this was and wanted to reinforce the idea that the less time you play this game.. the bigger winner you are. Somehow I don't think superheroing works this way. Hey Batman take your time.. the Joker won't kill anybody until you get there. WTH?
For an Atari game.. Metropolis is HUGE! Even flying, it could take you forever to find Lex, his goons, and the bridge pieces that you have to reassemble. Of course if you have been tagged by kryptonite you'll see them much more frequently.. mocking you.
Of course, a large Metropolis is no problem for Superman and his teloscopic super-vision! Atari, however, neglected to mention that in 1979 super-vision has a range of about one block. I could friggin' see that far! Hey! Superman! Get some glasses!
On the bright side when Superman does encounter Lois, the gamer is rewarded with the best sounding "ding" noise I'm sure the Atari 2600 could cough up. I'm not sure how Lois kissing Superman gives him anything other than some slight crowding in his super-shorts, but apparently this gives him back the ability to fly. He apparently didn't have access to a Red Bull machine in '79.
How are the graphics? The best graphics this game has to offer is the art on the box. It is an Atari game from the late 70's. You could get better visual stimulation from an obsessive kid and a light bright.
How is the sound? Say the word "ding." There you've covered it.
How does it control? Well, since you can't die, I don't guess one can complain much.
Overall? It is more fun than the N64 game. Interpret that as you will.
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What a great game. The Atari Superman did inspire a question, though? Was Superman the inspiration for a failed Bat-Villan? You know: The Mauve Hood.
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What if they were the 'seven deadly dwarfs'?
Greedy dwarf,
Envious dwarf,
Gluttonous dwarf
Doc